When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Why Settle?

Being fat girls, we’re often told that we need to just “take what you can get” in the field of dating. We’re supposed to have low self-esteem and jump on anything that sniffs around us. You know the stereotype of the “easy”, low self-esteemy fat chick. Besides the fact that there’s really nothing wrong with being easy and you don’t have to be fat to do so, being fat doesn’t preclude you from having high self-esteem. And when you have high self-esteem you don’t settle. Compromising your standards because you think you’re too fat to be lovable or even sexually attractive is not the way to go. Even if you can’t yet see yourself at the point where you have high self-esteem, do yourself a favor and abstain from dating until you’re more comfortable with yourself. Getting into/staying in a shitty relationship will not help raise your self-esteem, it will only lower it. And even if you do somehow end up with a great person who you feel loves you for who you are, you don’t want to fall in the trap of having to be constantly reassured that you’re attractive by someone else. Learn to do it yourself first.

When you let yourself lower your standards based on how you feel about yourself–or worse, how other people tell you how to feel about yourself–most of the time you will always be bitter in whatever dating endeavors you undertake. Especially if you’re depressed over the lackluster choices in partners you allow yourself to consider. Really, if you go out on dates with people who you instinctively know are “you can do better” candidates all the time, anger and frustration are soon to follow. Think about it this way: if you weren’t fat but you still had all your game, all your awesome qualities, etc., would you consider this person a catch? Would you even give them the time of day? If imagining yourself thin is what it takes to make you realize someone is not up to your standards, do it–but work on your self-acceptance so eventually you don’t need to. It’s hard participating in the dating game when you’re still learning to love yourself, so forgive yourself for any missteps you might make during the process.

Dating is one thing, but you definitely want to avoid entering into relationships during this growth period if they’re based on you settling. They’re doomed to fail. Eventually you’ll garner enough self-esteem to decide you want something more, which is unfair to them because unless you vocalized your decision to settle at the beginning of the relationship, the other person is going to enter it based on the belief that you’re essentially OK with them so finding out you’re not will come as a surprise, and it’s unfair to you because you basically wasted your time and emotion on a relationship that wasn’t designed to last. Depression over ending the relationship is clearly not going to help with the self-esteem issue. So if you’re going to attempt to have a relationship with someone before you’re really confident in your own skin, be forewarned that things may not go as well as you’d like by the end.

My essential “don’t settle” advice to fat girls who feel unlovable or unattractive is that you’ve got to be enough for yourself before you can be anything for anyone else. Don’t let fat-negativity cloud your view of yourself. You’re fabulous! Date that way, fuck that way, love that way.

  • Hlsmall68

    Brilliant and right on target! You tell ‘em, Fierce Girl.

    • http://www.redvinylshoes.com Tasha Fierce

      Why, thank you!

  • Hlsmall68

    Brilliant and right on target! You tell ‘em, Fierce Girl.

    • http://www.sexandthefatgirl.com Tasha Fierce

      Why, thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/kishamunson Kisha Munson

    I really need to read something like this right now. Thank you.

    xo

    • http://www.redvinylshoes.com Tasha Fierce

      You’re welcome, Miss Kisha Face.

  • http://twitter.com/kishamunson Kisha Munson

    I really need to read something like this right now. Thank you.

    xo

    • http://www.sexandthefatgirl.com Tasha Fierce

      You’re welcome, Miss Kisha Face.

  • http://twitter.com/DelvingN2Godess DelvingIntoGoddess

    You really made me think about some things. When you talk about settling and you ask whether I would date someone if I was skinny, I think about the idea of self-esteem and societal acceptance. Because we know there are plenty of men (and women) who don’t give other’s the time or day when if they did, they might have a real connection with that person. But anyways, that’s not the point of what your saying. I also agree that it is really unfair to the other person involved when you settle. Good post!

    • http://www.redvinylshoes.com Tasha Fierce

      Thank you! I’m glad I made you think.

  • http://twitter.com/DelvingN2Godess DelvingIntoGoddess

    You really made me think about some things. When you talk about settling and you ask whether I would date someone if I was skinny, I think about the idea of self-esteem and societal acceptance. Because we know there are plenty of men (and women) who don’t give other’s the time or day when if they did, they might have a real connection with that person. But anyways, that’s not the point of what your saying. I also agree that it is really unfair to the other person involved when you settle. Good post!

    • http://www.sexandthefatgirl.com Tasha Fierce

      Thank you! I’m glad I made you think.

  • Meerkat47

    Well, I have no self-esteem and yet I don’t seem to be inclined to “settle.” But the only advice I’ve heard about getting better body-image/self-esteem/whatever that I thought sounded actually feasible was the admittedly unhelpful “have a boyfriend who thinks you are hot.” Maybe you have more on that in your older blog entries, I just read this one first but I will be scrolling down now.

  • Meerkat47

    Well, I have no self-esteem and yet I don’t seem to be inclined to “settle.” But the only advice I’ve heard about getting better body-image/self-esteem/whatever that I thought sounded actually feasible was the admittedly unhelpful “have a boyfriend who thinks you are hot.” Maybe you have more on that in your older blog entries, I just read this one first but I will be scrolling down now.

  • Chris77

    A big behind can be a blessing in disguse. I probably would not have gone out with my hubby if I had a lot of other choices at the time. I would have missed out on the greatest guy. After 10 years he’s still person I want to be around over anyone else. My “skinny standards” (hot, rich guy) lead me to jerks. Chubbiness opened me up to good person who is a blast to be with that I probably would have over looked before.

    • http://www.redvinylshoes.com Tasha Fierce

      Well, your “skinny standards” obviously have to be realistic, so that you don’t exclude guys who could be really great partners. I mean, everyone wants someone who’s hot and rich, but those are really limiting standards… as you found out. I’m glad you ended up with an awesome guy!

  • Chris77

    A big behind can be a blessing in disguse. I probably would not have gone out with my hubby if I had a lot of other choices at the time. I would have missed out on the greatest guy. After 10 years he’s still person I want to be around over anyone else. My “skinny standards” (hot, rich guy) lead me to jerks. Chubbiness opened me up to good person who is a blast to be with that I probably would have over looked before.

    • http://www.sexandthefatgirl.com Tasha Fierce

      Well, your “skinny standards” obviously have to be realistic, so that you don’t exclude guys who could be really great partners. I mean, everyone wants someone who’s hot and rich, but those are really limiting standards… as you found out. I’m glad you ended up with an awesome guy!

  • http://twitter.com/sugafreefatgirl Leslee

    I was actually just thinking about this subject recently. A few weeks ago I went on my first date and even though the guy is a friend and he’s cool there are no sparks between us. I told some friends that in their own polite way made me feel as if this was my only chance and I needed to jump on it. I have been waiting for 34 years after all but I couldn’t help thinking that was wrong and I deserved what I wanted. A year ago I would’ve had a different thought.

  • http://twitter.com/sugafreefatgirl Leslee

    I was actually just thinking about this subject recently. A few weeks ago I went on my first date and even though the guy is a friend and he’s cool there are no sparks between us. I told some friends that in their own polite way made me feel as if this was my only chance and I needed to jump on it. I have been waiting for 34 years after all but I couldn’t help thinking that was wrong and I deserved what I wanted. A year ago I would’ve had a different thought.

  • Tonia

    I can relate. I have been told, that I just need to take whoever would want me…not because of my weight. but because I have MS. In other words, no healthy or normal man would want me. Well I still think, I want a guy who digs the things I do. or at least the big one, I’m a huge hockey fan. and when its’ hockey season…. and I won’t settle. I’m going to be a hockey games. I settled twice before. and was miserable. Yeah, I am still single. but I am not giving up my hockey for any dude. Of course many guess freak once they hear MS. They were in to me before they found out. I can’t help but to think…”well I was the same gal before I told you.” Sad but true. I gave up on find a dude. and might have pushed way many guys that would have no trouble dealing with it. But I never gave them a chance b/c of my thinking “well I have MS and I’m fat. they’ll be like the others”. I realized I need to stop listening to the idiots. I am good enough and I don’t need to settle for whoever will take me. Just like I am never giving up my hockey and my bon jovi. take me as I am. and join the fun! (to the dudes out there)

  • Tonia

    I can relate. I have been told, that I just need to take whoever would want me…not because of my weight. but because I have MS. In other words, no healthy or normal man would want me. Well I still think, I want a guy who digs the things I do. or at least the big one, I’m a huge hockey fan. and when its’ hockey season…. and I won’t settle. I’m going to be a hockey games. I settled twice before. and was miserable. Yeah, I am still single. but I am not giving up my hockey for any dude. Of course many guess freak once they hear MS. They were in to me before they found out. I can’t help but to think…”well I was the same gal before I told you.” Sad but true. I gave up on find a dude. and might have pushed way many guys that would have no trouble dealing with it. But I never gave them a chance b/c of my thinking “well I have MS and I’m fat. they’ll be like the others”. I realized I need to stop listening to the idiots. I am good enough and I don’t need to settle for whoever will take me. Just like I am never giving up my hockey and my bon jovi. take me as I am. and join the fun! (to the dudes out there)